There are times in everyone’s life when they need to take cover and hide. When your person needs to heal its wounds in order to move forward. Sadly there are also people out there who would do anything to hinder this and instead drive that knife further into your soul, thrusting and turning the blade…
Yet, heaven is in my hand when I stand atop my mountain, no-one and nothing can penetrate the serenity that invades my body. All those who have died leaving a parting scar on my heart are suddenly reincarnated and standing beside me, rejoicing in the vast green beauty that stretches as far as the eye can see, or at least until it embraces the sea. I wish with all my heart that those moments could last forever!
Nature has a way of molding you as a child, rightly or wrongly you are your dictators creation. My childhood was so full of the outdoors; my great escape, my wonderous adventures. Every day rewarding me with vast velvet fields, silent yet echoing trees begging this vagabond child to climb their great heights to sit lost in place and time at the top, with an entire kingdom stretched out beneath. The torturous craving for wide open spaces and the safety it offered was thus created…
Adoration for my father flourished with every moment shared, with his eagerness to disperse his knowledge and understanding of people, namely the unique bond man can develop with his comrades, especially when your life depends upon it! Yet my hero had witnessed such cruel events that they would haunt his dreams and manipulate his mood until on occasions he became someone I didn’t like at all, more than that I hated him! I stopped seeing him as one person because that would have been unbearable and instead split him into two, Daddy the great and Daddy the raging monster. That way when the latter vanished I was happy and safe again and there was no need for forgiveness.
Anyway I had the wondrous inventions of pen and paper at my fingertips and every pain and joy were fed to it! Looking back this is the point where my emotions began to disappear inwards, my trust was forever gone (if you can no longer trust the person you love most in the world, then it becomes a mere word with no emotive link) and my desire for escapism became more transient.
Damage to a childs emotive structure rarely heals itself or remains stable, at least not when it is so carefully squirreled away. Mine festered and manifested itself in a dare-devil attack on the world. Suddenly I was invincible or at least careless of risk to my life. My desire for danger scaled extreme heights, I adored speed, blasting down a straight road at 180mph was a definite adrenalin rush. Yet,looking back it didn’t offer real enjoyment as such, it was simply a means of refuelling my anger because in truth I prefered the windy roads of the Black mountains. taking each bend with skilled precision, and cruising at a speed that allowed me to lift my helmet visor and appreciate that mountain breeze upon my face. That I loved!
My life continued its destructive path, my career had me mixing with some of the greats yet I was barely impressed and in hindsight I was probably the one that drew the attention and for all the wrong reasons; the tiny blonde with major attitude who rebuked all advances, no matter the title, talent or wealth! My belief in God had been wiped out as a small child, but I know for sure that either some great powerful force was keeping a watchful eye over me, or I possessed the luck of the devil! Celebrity bashes were pretty impressive affairs; opulent surroundings, free-flowing champagne, beautiful faces and a little of something to satisfy everyone’s need, if you know what I mean. The champagne I enjoyed, what’s more its intrinsic motivation in drawing out one’s closely guarded secrets amused me and should I have chosen to be a vile opportunistic individual I would have become extremely rich revealing the indiscretions of our glamorous jet-set! But to me integrity is paramount.
The nail in the coffin for my links to high society was allowing myself to be in a situation that could so easily have taken away my dignity and left me little more than damaged goods! It was a pivotal turning point, and never again was I to risk my life for pure thrill.
Instead I embarked on a career that did offer real excitement, mostly drawn of fear but then who isn’t tempted by that one step further. Truth be known we all possess the desire for an adrenalin rush, and what better than to be paid for it!
The sad fact is that sooner or later life catches up on you, and you are left staring at your mirror’s image disliking what you see. Avoiding emotional involvement finally bites with the realisation that you are indeed lonely; suddenly you crave the touch of someone whom you love, admire and trust. Someone who will hold you in their arms and stop you from running, someone who wont let you down, or perhaps that’s just in the fairy tales…